My vegetable love should grow / vaster than empires, and more slow
As someone who loves and trusts slowly but surely, I’m rather fond of those lines (taken immensely out of context to illuminate my post; sorry Marvell. The poem is in fact an ode to not taking it slowly at all).
I’m not going to fall into the ‘there are two types of people in this world…’ trope, but I do think this is an interesting difference – how quickly different people allow themselves to love and trust and show vulnerability, whether in romantic relationships or friendships. Trust allows you to show your vulnerabilities, your soft underbelly, without fearing that you will be attacked or taken advantage of for it. Without trust, there can be no love.
Some people assume everyone is fantastic and trustworthy until proven otherwise, which is wonderful – and especially wonderful when it’s not just due to never yet having been mistaken; if someone has misplaced their trust in the past, yet still extends that trust to pretty much everyone they meet, that’s amazing and beautiful. Some people assume everyone’s out to get them and preemptively shield themselves from the anticipated damage, which always strikes me as very sad and lonely. Most people are somewhere in the middle.
I’ve met a few people who say things like “I don’t trust many people, but when I do I trust them absolutely.” For me, that’s far from the case. I do, in fact, love and trust a great many people, though to varying degrees; as I’ve written in an older post, I actively enjoy placing my trust in people. But it’s definitely a slow build. I couldn’t just decide overnight that someone is trustworthy and that therefore I trust them with anything and everything. Gradual steps, gradual reveals; that dance of intimacy where one small secret is repaid with another slightly bigger secret; an admission of fear or insecurity, repaid with reassurance and an equivalent admission. Slowly, over time, trust is built.
It’s confusing and unsettling when someone tries to dance different steps. If I meet someone and they race ahead, and quickly reveal all their innermost thoughts to me, it unnerves me; it doesn’t feel like an expression of trust, because they can’t yet know me well enough to trust me. Instead, it feels almost like the opposite – because they don’t know me, they must have assumed a lot about who I am, and they’re talking to an invented person rather than me. If anything, early and (as it feels to me) unearned intimacy pushes me further away. Of course, on the other hand, someone responding to my little tendrils of intimacy with distance and refusing to reveal anything about themselves is deeply unnerving (have I offended them? Are they hiding something? Why won’t they let me in?). We all have our own little metronomes setting a pace that we think is ‘right’, and it takes very little deviation from that to push someone away rather than bringing them closer.
All of this applies to all human relationships, not just romantic ones; the delicate building of friendships or the more personal of workplace relationships, too. But in some ways it can be an even more complicated and delicate web when you’re looking at poly relationships.
It would be hard (perhaps not impossible, but very hard) to conduct multiple relationships if your partners didn’t care about each other and enjoy each other’s company. The ideal would of course be for them all to get on brilliantly and have awesome relationships independent of you, right? So on the flip side, when you find yourself with a new metamour, it’s your responsibility to try and form that close relationship as quickly as possible, right? Wrong.
Friendships, relationships, and intimacies are not transitive. This comes up in the Five Geek Social Fallacies, but totally applies here (just because it’s a good example, not because all poly people are geeks – although, to be fair…). “My wife’s bisexual and has just started dating a woman – this means hot threesomes for me, right?” BZZT WRONG. “My husband’s new girlfriend sounds totally amazing and she and I are going to be best friends forever as soon as we meet.” BZZT. “My girlfriend’s new boyfriend buys her dinner at the best restaurants, I can’t wait to hang out with him on our own so we can do the same thing.” NOPE. Just because your partner’s relationship with someone is of a certain intimacy level, doesn’t mean you get to jump straight to that level too. I don’t assume for a moment that I have the absolute right to *know* certain things about The Rake’s other relationships, for example, let alone experience the same closeness that he does with someone he’s seeing!
It helps no-one to try and hurry intimacy based on a relationship you’re not part of. At best it can create a false shallow friendship, all ‘OMG you’re SO AWESOME’ with no real understanding of each other. At worst it can leave one person feeling crowded and smothered – and even lead to them wanting out of the connecting relationship through no fault of their partner. A comment that’s often made about polyamory is that it means relationships can find their own level. This goes for metamours too. You don’t have to hurry that friendship; if you’re going to be fast friends, it will come with time.