Monthly Archives: December 2013

Planning a poly Christmas

Poly Means Many: There are many aspects of polyamory. Each month, the PMM bloggers will write about their views on one of them. Links to all posts can be found at This month, our topic is “poly holidays”.

What does a polyamorous Christmas look like? As ever, ask three poly people and you’ll get five different answers. Shorter version: whatever you and your network want it to. A quick disclaimer – I’m not in any way religious, and I love celebrating Christmas as a secular holiday.

Longer version: for one reason and another (sometimes my reasons, sometimes reasons I agreed with, and occasionally reasons I didn’t like at all) I’ve never yet spent Christmas with any partners (or metamours) other than the Rake. This may very well change in future. As a celebration, at the moment it’s something I feel I want to share with only long-established and stable connections; family-like connections; if not cohabiting then potentially heading that way. I value the opportunity to withdraw at Christmas and spend time feeling nurtured by spending time with family and loved ones – and for the moment, that doesn’t feel like it would fit with a comparatively new relationship.

Of course, I reserve the right to go back on this completely in future, and laugh gently at past-me.

That said, some of the techniques learned by navigating complex modern families are just as applicable here. Celebrating Christmas on more than one day, in more than one way, and in more than one place; creating personal and private traditions that aren’t specifically tied to Christmas Day; making sure to be in contact and within metaphorical reach of those who aren’t physically present.

Christmas can magnify stresses, because it can be invested with such significance. Some people have wonderful and uncomplicatedly loving relationships with their family, and love seeing them at Christmas; others are completely and happily separated and out of contact. Most people are somewhere in between. So even leaving polyamory aside, it’s a time of year that can be very stressful, full of careful navigations of expectations spoken and unspoken. Multiply this with issues of ‘out-ness’ (are you out to your family? Do you want to be? Are they supportive, or critical, or worse? Are your partners keeping you secret and you wish they weren’t?) and it can be especially difficult for many people to mix family and partners.

But as ever, it’s about making sure people feel valued and important, in the ways that are uniquely suited to them – there is no magic formula. “Come and spend Christmas with my family!” might be what one partner is longing to hear, or it might make someone else feel smothered and rushed. “I’ll be out of contact all Christmas as I’m focusing on my primary partner” might be a clear and reassuring statement of fact to one partner, but to another it might sound like telling them they’re unimportant and unwanted.

Tread gently; Christmas for some is just another day, and for others is invested with huge emotional significance. As ever, talk about your hopes and expectations, and don’t let yourself or others be disappointed by an expectation you kept secret and then went unfulfilled.